Surviving on a Hope

This week was wonderful.

I am so very blessed.

 

*Celebrated Thanksgiving with three Americans and a Schweizer...poetic.

*Learned what "cold" in German means...and it's not even winter yet...

*Made my first Christmas wreath!

*Healed my broken relationship with umbrellas (I found one I can actually stand!..also, it never stops raining. Progress borne of necessity).

*I learned that German/Turkish Sprite is better than American Sprite.

 

We had had a crazy couple of days. I was on edge, because I was working through some emotional nasties, and then on Tuesday we were scrambling to get ready for our split, but then the dryer function to our washer decided to give up the ghost and haunt the washing function.

This means that every time we open the washer, no matter what, our clothing is floating in an ocean of water.

So, I spent like 49 minutes Monday evening squeeching the water out of my clothing, so I would have something to wear the next day.

 

They were still wet in the morning.

That helped a lot.

 

So we were stressed because this is what was going down on Wednesday:

Zone Conference-and Sister Helmick was giving a talk

All 20 missionaries were coming to Mannheim afterwards to find people in the area, and we were in charge

We had an apartment check right after the finding

And right after we had an appointment like 30 minutes away

 

And the next two days we weren't going to be in the same city!

 

Yeah, not terrible, but we were stressed.

Everything ended beautifully, and we headed, exhausted and confused to our appointment.

 

This family, whom I ADORE was kind enough to feed us. They knew we'd have missionary appetites, so they brought out lots of food. I was eating my salad and I came across something hot.

Oh Ha!

I thought, and drank a huge gulp of Sprite. That helped. I then noticed the jalapeño looking pepper on my plate. I noticed the whole pepper in the potato dish as well, but I have a decent heat threshold, so I wasn't worried.

 

Meanwhile.

 

Back on the ranch, Sister Helmick doesn't like hot stuff. And when I say "doesn't like" I mean she straight up hates it. Like, barely-will-eat-medium-salsa hates it.

Well, she sees the pepper and figures it's a long Turkish bean of some sort, rolls it up into one big wad, and goes in for the kill.

(I'm totally oblivious, enjoying my Turkish Sprite)

She takes two bites, and the member in worry calls out to be careful, 'cause that's a spicy one.

Sister Helmick, to her credit, in a desire for good edict, chews quickly and swallows.

First there's no reaction.

Meh, ok, I think.

All of a sudden

Oh! Ooh! OW!

I turn to Sister Helmick.

She's fanning her hand in front of her face.

We all start laughing, because it was shockingly funny.

But after like five minutes, it wasn't funny anymore.

Sister Helmick had great big tears rolling down her face, and she looks at me in confused, and pained frustration and is like

"Why does it hurt so much?"

Ten minutes, two cups of goat milk, and a bowl of unsweetened yogurt later, we're finally in the clear.

I left the second piece of pepper on my plate.

Untouched.

 

 

In the quiet heat of my personal battlefield, I have felt hope, like the lifeblood of existence, seep away. I've seen the loss of hope cause a loss of confidence, the loss of confidence cause desperation, desperation cause resentment, resentment cause bitterness and regret. And that, folks, leads to straight up selfishness. Without hope, we turn inward, because all we have energy to do is to try to placate the inner demon, or the inner whatever. A loss of hope wrings loose any joy or fulfillment we should be receiving from our service, or from our sacrifices. It turns "I love you" into "I am not love-able"  and "I am willing" into "I am worthless".

 

The bottom line is that we need hope, folks.

 

So how do we keep hope with us?

 

So many easy answers, but they never EVER lose importance.

 

Here are a couple quotes that I loved reading this week that you might enjoy.

From Elder Maxwell (surprise)

 

The English word repentance is the rendering for a Greek word which means “a change of mind,” such as changing one’s view of himself, God, the universe, life, others, and so on (see Bible Dictionary, “Repentance,” 760). How good you and I get at repenting will determine how good life is. (The Holy Ghost: Glorifying Christ)

 

Being content means acceptance without self-pity. Meekly borne, however, deprivations such as these can end up being like excavations that make room for greatly enlarged souls. (Content with the Things Allotted unto Us)

 

 

I gotta run, but here's my challenge for the week.

 

Can you improve your life this week by repenting and changing the way to see yourself or someone around you, and then be content with the experiences you have?

When we do that, we survive on hope. And that's what we gotta do.

 

All my love,

 

Sister Roderer

Cream of the Carp

Well, this week is done and gone...to quote C. S. Lewis this week is "One more portion of one's self slipping away into the past". Or Mary Warnock when she says "Anything that is over...is a lost possession...The past is a paradise from which we are necessarily excluded."

 

On that note, here's the rundown of our week:

 

*We saw Elder Ballard in person on Tuesday.

*We had snow everyday this week, except for the six days of rain.

*We gave two of our investigators to the Elders because it felt right.

*Our miracle investigator, turns out, lives outside of our area, so he will be taught by the missionaries in his area.

*The Christmas Festivals started opening this week.

*Fried-Apple yogurt is my new favorite food.

 

We wanted to have a Street Display on Saturday, but it started to rain.

A lot.

So we decided in order to have this street display, we would need to have a tent to cover us and the copies of the Book of Mormon, so we got permission to buy one, and went on a hunt for a tent.

I asked Siri (on the iPad) where there were stores with camping gear, and we were directed to two possible locations.

I picked the one closest to us and off we went, ducking under drippy doorways and avoiding puddles.

After ten minutes of walking like this, we found ourselves in a rather sketchy part of Mannheim.

Finally, we get to this weird corner of the street and I'm looking for the address, and I see this dingy looking store, which I walk right by, because I'm looking for a camping store, not a dim-lit kiosk.

My mistake.

This dim-lit kiosk with the cartoon whale on the side with the sign "Moby Dick Fishing" was Siri's recommendation.

Never again, Siri. We're over.

I sort of, cautiously pull the door knob and peek inside, then immediately shut it again.

"Sister Helmick.... I don't think we are going to find our tent in there. I don't want to go in, we'll look super awkward."

But, I figure that I'm just being a baby, and should go in there.

So we do.

This shop is about as big as our bedroom, and is covered, wall to ceiling, in all sorts of lures and fishing poles.

The only people in the store are three very German men, two of which are burly, and all three of which are hairy.

One very fast glance around, and I knew we probably wouldn't find our tent there.

The men, meanwhile are looking at us in total confusion.

Not every day you see two well-dressed white American girls in their twenties checking out the local German fishing store.

Little did they know that we were actually expert fisher women, only we fish for a different sort. (See Matthew 4:19 or Mark 1:17)

We did find fishing waders large enough to be a tent, but decided against it.

We are still tent-less, but we've been culturally enriched.

 

 

I don't believe that any of us are weak. We most certainly have weaknesses, but I don't think we as people, are weak. It is not in our spiritual genetics. Even those who seem to be weak, so much of what we do is in defense or reaction to our earlier behavior. We are creatures of self-discovery and self-awareness, but also of self-fixing and self-evaluating. To me, that is an indication of our inner resilience.

 

But, what I do believe, is that we want desperately to hear the words that will validate us.

We need to feel that we understand the "why" behind the things that hurt the most. This is why the Plan of Salvation is so important. It gives us the answers to the big "whys" of life.

But there are so many smaller things that we crave explanations to. And when we don't get the explanation, it is our tendency to address the discomfort the "why" leaves in its wake. We do this through substances, movies, music, food, and other forms of stimuli. I find it interesting that when we can't feel the resolution we want to feel, we try then to just feel something, almost anything, to try to fill the hole.

Hm.... I change my earlier statement. We're not weak, we can just be really dumb sometimes.

...Just kidding.

Like last night, I had this moment where I looked into the bottom of my empty ice cream bowl and realized that the "prize" was not at the bottom, the way I was hoping it would be. I've tried this a few times...it's never there.

Trust me. ;)

I know that this is the case, but every time, without fail, if you were to tell me that I'd find happiness at the bottom of that bowl, container, or box, I'd believe you.

A quote comes to mind: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

 

Awkward.

 

Not only do I eat too much ice cream, I also am on the edge of insanity.

That's comforting.

 

But, the important thing is to really search for the understanding that we need to keep going. Sometimes we think it needs to be understanding enough for the whole year, or for the whole decade, or a lifetime, but really, we need just enough understanding to get through a day or an hour. We change a little bit everyday, our cells are constantly changing, dying, growing, and everything in between, and we are basically in a constant state of morphing. That's why faith needs so much up keeping.

Faith for us yesterday is not faith for today.

That's why we need to be praying constantly. That's why old things come back in new situations, and that's why time is precious, and why consistency is the difference between theory and reality.

It's incredible!

The vibrancy, the intensity, the beauty and complexity of life leaves me breathless.

It's dazzling and strange, inspiring and difficult, healing and wounding all at the same time!

 

So folks, read your scriptures, say your prayers. Give something old up, and take in something new. Go discover something.

 

I just want you all to know that I don't know the exact words that you are craving to hear, but I do want you to know that I think you're wonderful. I thought you were wonderful yesterday, and I know you'll still be wonderful tomorrow.

 

But oh so much better is the love of God our Father who knows you perfectly, in all of your states, and His Son, your Brother, who paid the price for your soul, thereby unlocking you from the chains of yesterday and setting you free into the brilliant dawn of tomorrow.

 

Enough with the cheesy adjectives.

 

Love you all!

 

 

Sister Roderer

Chocolate and Leapfrogs

We have started doing this thing where we try to talk to the first person we see once we get out of the apartment, and that has been really fun, because it just starts the day off with a bang!

So we were on our street and I see this guy, so naturally, I go up to him, and start the missionary spiel.

He pretty hard core shuts me down.

So, we keep walking, and I look down and see an entire chocolate bar on the ground.It was unwrapped, as if someone was about to take a bite and then some tragic unfortunate event made them drop it, naked, onto the street.

I see this and tears almost well up in my eyes.

I turn to Sister Helmick and am like

"Well, I guess you know you've gotten over rejection when the sight of a chocolate bar on the ground is more painful than getting rejected on the street."

Isn't perspective a beautiful thing?

 

We had a lot of fun doing doors this week!!

We walked into this "residential square" park thing, and we see two things:

First: a car is backing out of the residential square, and luck has it that he basically has to back straight out for several feet before he can access the main road.

Second: right in front of us (and in the way of the car in reverse) an innocent bystander is just trying to cross.

So, of course, we stop the innocent bystander, and in the process, the car has to wait for us before it can keep backing up.

The innocent bystander takes a card and continues on his merry way, and we turn to go klingel a less active. As the car backs by us, I notice that the window is open, and my thoughts go like this:

Hmmm I should toss a Book of Mormon into the open window....I wonder if we could contact him through the window?

Oohs...we should stop him.

With this thought, I turn to Sister Helmick and ask her opinion. She said she has the same feeling, so we pull a 180 and chase this car. We are literally jogging after this car, and it's awkward, because he can see us jogging toward him as he backing out.

We start talking to him and turns out he used to be a member, but due to things I can't explain with missionary language (haha just kidding), actually due to insensitivity and fear, things happened and he separated himself from the truth that he felt.

It broke my heart to hear him talk.

Leapfrogs and toadstools, we are all in this together. We need to be kind, folks. Promise me you'll be kind?

Bitte?

 

One thought I've had in the last couple of weeks is that difficulty does not equal fear, and that this gospel is about "when" not "if".

I've always said that happiness is not the absence of pain, but rather the presence of purpose or progression, and on my mission, that theory has been put to the test.

I still hold firmly to it.

This life is about coming to know, and that has to include rough spots.

I also know that real inner happiness must include the continual sammeln of personal revelation, or communication with God through the Holy Ghost.

And no, I don't actually care how busy you are, or how many good things you are doing, or how hard it is to take the time to read in the scriptures or pray or fulfill your visiting or home teaching. If you are not gathering daily nourishment directly from God then you will soon find that you are going in circles.

And not the helix kind.

We are beings of intelligence, and folks, "the glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth." Doctrine and Covenants 93:36

The only way to really feel fulfilled is through increased light, for that is our nature and our destiny, to be powerful, due to the light of the intelligence within us.

I know it can be hard.

I know it can be discouraging and sometimes frustrating.

And of course I do actually care about why it's hard, but God has not given and will NEVER give us anything to do that is too hard to achieve.

 

Everyday I invite people to come closer to Christ by acting on a small atom of faith. My favorite thing to do is to ask people if they believe in God and if so, what He means to them. I love it when people say that they don't believe, or that they don't believe that He could be anything other than a distant and unknowable power, let alone a kind, personable, tender Father. I love it because then I get to bear witness of who God is. I get to promise them that they can get to know for themselves who and what God is.

 

Folks, we all have to know for sure at some point or another.

I believe in a God who is my Father.

I "know" in a God who answers prayers.

I "know" in a God cares about you totally and completely.

I "know" in a God who wipes away tears off of faces, who motivates and builds, who inspires and cheerleads.

 

I "know" in a God who loves you with enough power to totally heal your scars.

 

I love you all,

 

Sister Roderer

Sonnenschein in My Soul

This week has

 

blown. my. mind.

 

Seriously, it has been so much fun!

 

Sister Helmick is an incredible missionary, a beautiful and elegant person, a rockstar companion, and simply a wonderful person. We've had lots of good times already these last couple of days, and we've been showered with miracles.

 

This week we got to do a new type of finding activity. We wrote the question "Are you happy today?" On a whiteboard, went on the university campus (which used to be a castle) and asked EVERYBODY how they were feeling.

We laughed so much! It connected us with people in a split second, and we had something to share, and they asked us why in the world we would be doing something like that, and we were be able to bear testimony of the joy that comes through the gospel.

We would flash the sign to people in cars, and get their thumbs up or down to add to our tally. It was so successful and we were filled with so much energy.

 

Truth is like a force field, and I invite you all to be blown away! Haha

We went to bed so tired that first full day serving together, it was magical.

 

Best part of the finding activity.....we are talking to this adorable German guy who's like an eligible bachelor, and told him that we gave up "relationships with men" to come on missions.

That's literally what I said.

Don't ask me why, I haven't found a suitable answer yet.

He giggled.

And blushed.

A lot.

I promise I don't flirt to convert...

but I don't think he'll be forgetting us anytime soon.

 

There another time when we walked passed a guy, and we both felt like we should talk to him, but we kept walking, and then turned around and we literally jogged him down. He had interest in meeting with us!

 

And then there were that guy from Africa who was so spiritual, and as we talked to him his friend walked by, and he waved him over, saying that we were Christian. Sister Helmick testified of the Book of Mormon, and turns out, happened to have a French Book of Mormon in her bag, which was their mother tongue. Then we bore down in pure testimony and told them that God was calling their names, and that they needed to listen. The power in that moment was crazy, and we all felt it and were changed.

 

And that's only the beginning!!

 

 

 

Hope has been on my mind today,

as usual...

But I was thinking about what hope is. I'm very much a touchy-feely person, so I base my successes in the moment on how I'm feeling.

I guess I always assumed that hope felt like, well, hope. Warm, slightly fuzzy, with a hint of mint or orange.

I mean, I can't really describe it, but I always figured it'd feel sweet.

However, there are some days, I've decided that one can have hope without feeling it.

Or, more accurately, my definition of hope has changed.

 

Hope is the glimmer of perspective that gives us enough courage to take a step into the dark.

Or sometimes three or four steps into the dark.

 

Missions are so cool in the sense that they provide a training ground for life. One goes through life cycles at an accelerated rate and with such intense emotional compression that patterns become crystal clear. So, in the past few weeks, I've struggled, fought, and learned, and in my learning, I've realized that hope can be subtle.

 

But that doesn't make it any less powerful.

 

It talks about the voice of the Spirit in the scriptures as being a "still, small voice" and not being the sound of the wind or of fire or of thunder, but a voice of stillness. I've felt two versions of stillness this week, which have been totally different from each other and has deepened my ability to hear.

 

First: In moments of conflict, it's easy to feel like a overall warmth, or erasing of the pain, or total solution is the best antidote to the uneasiness of conflict. But, I've learned this week that when we act on the "glimmer of perspective" despite not feeling the "warmth" we might be expecting, it deepens our faith and we are more able to own what we do. It's like the difference between making brownies from the box or making brownies from scratch. Both work, both have their place, but when we choose to have hope when the hoping is hard, we get to know each ingredient and we can then begin to recreate the brownies in our lives in all situations and circumstances. Our ability to make brownies is no longer dependent on a recipe or specific ingredients.

So the silence was the moment of feeling like there was a blank spot where my choice was supposed to be and where I had the opportunity to choose to act on what I felt I knew. It has never occurred to me that that could be a form of silence or stillness. Sometimes the truth requires us to let go of the familiar sounds of past and embrace a new melody. Sometimes we have to track down the silence to find what we need to learn.

 

 

Second: This week there was a moment when the Bishop, our ward mission leader, and all four of us Mannheim missionaries were in the same room. There was a power, an excitement, and urgency that silenced all fears and doubt. It was almost like electricity, that zapped out all negative feelings and left me feeling empowered and limitless.

This is the Lord's work. He is "able to do His own work." And we get to be a part of it.

 

My challenge to you all this week is to find a new way that God speaks to you. He is trying to get your attention. You are exquisitely important to Him. Tune in to His voice by making your prayers more specific, your scripture study a higher priority, your obedience more energized, and by taking moments to be still.

 

And call me when you get back my dear. I love our visits (name the movie)

 

 

All my love,

 

Sister Roderer

How Can I keep From Singing?

Where Martin Luther stood and defended his reformation of the

 Catholic Church

This week was intense.
It was the final few days of getting everything ready before the
Musikalische Abend, one last trip to the doctors for"Michelle", lost
our baptism date, and transfer calls! Quite the busy week of "hurry up
and wait".

And then I caught a cold.
That wa"snot" what I was expecting, nor was it what I was trying catch.
You see, I was singing two pieces in this fireside, and I needed my voice!
After drinking about 100000000 gallons of fresh ginger tea, lots of
prayers, scarfs, staying inside, and vitamin C, the day of the
Musikalische Abend arrived.

It was like Christmas morning.

But first, transfer calls.....

Everybody's leaving but me.

I am the one and only missionary currently in Mannheim that will be
staying in Mannheim.
But, I'll be joined by the fabulous Sister Helmick, who was in my MTC
group, and Elder Ninow and Elder Fultz, who, rumor has it, are pretty
great as well.

Sister Megli is going to Kaiserslautern English (AMERICA) speaking for
her last two transfers.
Elders Ostler and Beverlin are getting transferred to actual America.

Also, Saturday we spent the entire day carrying random things around Mannheim and across Käfertal.
Like a scale.
Or a living room lamp.
Or 4-5 dozen cookies.

The things one does as a missionary. :)

A couple miracles from the week, though.

We were sitting in a Bahn, and we saw this really nice looking lady
get on. We sit in one set of four seats, and she sits in the set
across from us. Sister Megli and I are sitting kitty corner in our set
of four.
My goal is to invite her to the Musikalische Abend. At first, we don't
say anything, we just look at each other and smile really big.
Sweetly awkward...
Finally, I lean across the isle, and strike up a conversation.

At the next stop, an older lady gets on, and quasi joins the conversation.
Then, all of a sudden, this young guy gets on the Bahn and sits down
right next to S. Megli, and across from me. He has large gauges, two
lip rings, and hair down to his shoulders with one side of his head
shaved short (thank you Hunger Games for inspiring a whole new kind of
hair-do in Europe...). He was dressed all in black, and kindly sharing
his music (that he was listening to with head phones) with the entire
Bahn.
Not mission appropriate music, in case you were wondering.
I just kinda stop talking, because I was a little awed by this guy.
And then, I noticed his eyes.
They were kind, young, and alive with healthy intelligence.
I was intrigued.
I eventually continued my conversation with the lady across the way,
and gave her an invite. She gets off, and the I offer an invite to the
older lady. She also gets off.
Now it's just us and the guy. I had this internal debate in my head as
to whether or not I should offer him an invite. I felt like the music
he was listening to was a good indication as to whether or not he's
enjoy our music choices.
But I knew that I would regret not offering him one, so I did.
He was expecting it, and gave one defined nod, and took it, folded it
once, and put it in his coat. Sister Megli and I were shocked and
nearly fell off our chairs.
He didn't end up coming, but someone else really cool did.

We found out that a guy was given an invite in the city (either from
us sisters or a member who works in the city) and gave it to his
friend who turns out is Mormon, and they both walk an hour and a half
to get to the church.
Folks!
An hour and a half!!!!
WALKING

The musical night was SO COOL! We had some great people show up, and
they seemed to really enjoy it. It was also well attended by the
members, and it was just so much fun!
I was so stressed, because people didn't show up when I thought they
would, and weird little things happened, but then it just all went
smoothly.
Everyone did a beautiful job, and everybody was so great, and nice,
and people actually came!!
My favorite comment was a non-member said that it was like the musical
Jesus Christ superstar. The music Saturday was a lot more appropriate
though haha.

I was just so excited.

The Lord is so good!

This email is already super long, so I just want to say again that
it's worth it.

The gospel is true and it is worth it.


All my love!

Sister Roderer